TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely away from place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have An additional place in which American Adult men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide Everybody a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You understand, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have transform-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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